


Didn't We Almost Have It All?

by writingcreature



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, M/M, Protective Steve McGarrett, Tragedy, mcdanno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:36:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6214669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingcreature/pseuds/writingcreature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oneshot - Danny's family situation differs from the canon. Chin's with the HPD (off screen). The major part is written from Danny's perspective (first-person). I wrote  the story for those of us who suffer from the loss of a loved one. Although they are gone, they will stay in our hearts, forever.</p><p>  <a href="http://mycoven.net/index.php?seite=display&img=i287b68bou"></a><br/><img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Didn't We Almost Have It All?

 

So many things have changed in my life, lately. After some really bad news, I left Hawaii to live in New York. Today is not a good day for me. I do a lot of thinking. About my little daughter for example. After the divorce, Rachel took her away from me and went to Europe, where she met a wealthy guy and married him. We are living separate lives since then. Gracie knows nothing more than my name. We never met and we never will. Of course, I called Rachel and told her the bad news. She said she's sorry for me, but she won't tell Gracie about it. What should she say? 'The guy whose genes you inherit, but never was part of your life wants to see you, only to tell you goodbye because he's about to die.' Admitted that sounds odd, even to me. I'm not in the mood for endless discussions, so I agree, hang up and curse Rachel and her attitudes. Hurl the phone against the wall would make me feel better, but it is dumb and very expensive. Instead, I kick the stool in front of me. "Ouch," Karma's a bitch. 

I’m staring out of the window,  watching thick, soft snowflakes fall from the clouded sky in slow motion. Three more weeks until Christmas and I wonder if I have enough strength to make it. 

A song by Tim McGraw crosses my mind: Live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was the end, and you got eternity to think about, what to do with it ... 

I’m in that mood for two months now, since I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I, who has never touched a cigarette in his entire life. Maybe I should start smoking today? Since I carry the diagnosis with me like a millstone around my neck, I banished Steve from my life. I do not want him to watch me die as the disease steals a bit more of my time, each day, and I quarrel with God and the world, wondering: why me? 

Why not anyone else? We didn’t have much time together. One summer long, I could be the happiest man on earth, I got lost in Steve's strong arms, woke up every morning next to him. Together, we went to the movies to laugh and cry. It was a wonderful time; I do not want to miss. I do not want to miss him. I'm cold, I wrap my arms around my body, imagine it would be his. 

I'm sorry that I kicked him out of my life, harshly. But I was scared, and I am still.With every day, it gets worse. Nobody can tell you how it is when the final curtain falls, and the lights go out in the hall forever. As usual, when it is too late, you realize that there's so much left to say. 

For instance that I love Steve, no, I would not need to say that he knew for sure. And also, that he is the only one who could make me laugh. Oh, how we laughed together. Just thinking about it puts a big fat grin on my face. 

The pain is getting worse. But I do not want to be high on morphine; I want to be me, as long as possible. They told me it was getting worse. At the moment, I'm only terrified ... 

The ringing of the doorbell jolts me back into my living room. I'm not expecting visitors. I’ve told my friend's goodbye, already, wrote a letter to all of them, except Steve. All I wanted was disappear from his life as if I never existed. So he never knew how much it hurts to lose someone forever. Because it’s not that, I just go abroad for some time. I’ve got me a one-way ticket to eternity. Just like that, I didn't even bid for it on EBay. It just fell into my lap. Honestly, I would have preferred winning the lottery. 

I look through the peephole and ... no ... no, I must be hallucinating. It cannot be. I refuse to accept that. That must be an illusion. I wished so badly he could be here, that my mind must be playing tricks on me. 

"Danny! Danny, open the damn door, I know you're there," I hear Steve's deep voice. A shiver runs down my spine, immediately, even after all this time. 

I lean my back against the door, bury my face in my hands, try to focus. 

"Come on Danny, open the door," this time, it is Kono. 

GREAT, I should have known better. If someone were capable of such a stunt, it would be her. Kono’s stubbornness exceeds mine a thousand times. And yet I would not have endured all I went through without her by my side. She is there for me all the time. At each chemo, at every shitty doctor's appointment, she was at my side because she knew that she was the only one left.  And now ... Shit; now I know what she meant when she was talking about a Christmas miracle. Darling, I could shoot you through the moon and the stars, but no. 

"Danny, Steve and I stay put, even if we have to camp out in front of your door." 

Sure as hell, Kono was capable of such a thing. She probably has the sleeping bags ready. Together with a back bag full food and beverages. I go to the bathroom, look in the mirror. Man, my eyes are puffy from crying and my hair? Oh well. It is short, very short. Steve never saw me with such short hair. 

Why do some wishes do come true fast and others in turn ... again, it rings. I bet, it is Kono's finger on the button. 

Okay, I was bungee jumping and made a tandem jump from an airplane, I'll still have the guts to see Steve. They stay anyway just for some coffee. Steve has obligations like his job. Nowadays, I’m not living just around the corner, anymore. 

I'll take the doorknob in my hand, rotating it to the right and open very slowly, even though I’m about to tear this damned door open. 

"Hi babe," he says with a sparkle in his beautiful eyes and a warm smile on his lips. 

Suddenly, I know I was missing him so much more than I've been trying to tell myself all the time. 

He pulls me in his strong arms, and we stay embraced for an eternity. At least, that’s what it feels. 

Suddenly, I remind me of Kono, my tower or strength.She’s standing behind Steve desperately fighting back the tears.

"Thanks," I mouth. 

She nods briefly and hurries away. 

"But wait, why ..." I say stunned and pull away from Steve's embrace. 

Only now I see the big suitcase standing next to him. My gaze wanders between him and his luggage to and fro. 

"Don’t look at me that way, Danny. I’m here to stay unless you don't want me to, but then I will have to get me a room in a hotel. Which won't be easy considering Christmas holidays." 

His last words are barely audible. 

I shake my head, "Steve, of course, I don’t want you to leave.” We stare at each other until I realize I didn’t ask him in.“Oh sorry, please come in. Make yourself at home or whatever” I stammer. My thoughts toss and turn around. 

Luckily, I'm not a messy person so that I can cope with unexpected visitors. Yes, as this was my biggest problem at the moment.

Steve shrugs out of his jacket. Some snowflakes still stick to it. He takes off his beanie and scarf. I'll take his stuff and put it in the wardrobe. 

After he kicks off his shoes, he turns to me, "you show me around?" 

I start to laugh. My apartment has just three rooms. 

We’re done after one minute. 

"Can I offer you something to drink? Juice, soda, coffee, tea?" I ask. 

It’s odd, but there’s an immediate sense of familiarity between us like we've never been apart from each other. 

"Tea would be good," he says and follows me into the kitchen. 

Leaning casually against the doorframe, he just stands there and watches each move I make while I switch on the kettle and take two mugs out of the cupboard. He has done the same thing when I was cooking at his house in Hawaii. 

Memories are flooding my mind with unexpected vehemence. So hard that it takes my breath away, and I have to steady myself by holding on to the sink. 

Immediately he is next to me, "Danny?!" 

"I’m fine Steve; I’m fine. Something just crossed my mind," my voice is still shaky. 

Gently he takes my head between his hands and bends down. He puts the softest and hottest kiss on my lips while our tears mingle.The kettle beeps. 

"Why?" he asks after I turn around and pour hot water into the mugs. 

"Why are did you just disappear? You didn’t answer my calls, my emails, or try to contact me otherwise. I would have been there for you. You didn’t have to go through it all by yourself. I …I …” 

I turn back; put a forefinger on his wonderful lips, "You've got your life. We were lovers with no strings attached. I didn’t want to be a millstone around your leg. You have your job, your liabilities; you have your whole life ahead of you. While me…“

 He takes a step back, "No, Danny, don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it; I didn’t come here to make you sad." 

I bend my head slightly to one side our eyes lock, "But that's the truth, Steve, that and nothing else. I can’t offer you a future with me if that’s what you have on my mind. All I can offer is the memory of a beautiful summer. All I can offer is here and now.” 

We both swallow. I can hear his thoughts clicking into place. 

"And if I tell you that I want to spend Christmas with you, and the day after that? And take you with me to Hawaii, where I have contacted the best doctors? There is a new treatment that ...." 

I close my eyes, would like nothing more than to believe him, to believe that I could have a life and grow old with him. 

"Steve, I don’t even know if there will be a tomorrow," I whisper. 

"Sure Danny, no doubt the fact that there is a tomorrow, you have to believe in it," he encourages me. 

I take the two mugs and carry them into the living room. I do not know what to say. Should I tell him that I lost my faith a long time ago? No, because since I saw him at my door, there was a glimmer of hope, although I do not want to admit it. Because in the past months I thought that’s it. I don’t have anything it is worth for living. With a daughter, I will never meet and Steve in Hawaii, but now? 

"Danny, I wish you hadn't t turned away from me. I wish you'd let me know what was the real reason for your disappearance. Honestly, I didn't believe the story of you going undercover. Not that I think you 're not capable of it." 

His puppy dog eyes make me melt like ice in the sunshine. 

"How long do you know about it and what did Kono tell you," I ask because otherwise I'll die of curiosity, right here, right now. Gallows humor, pardon me. 

"For a few weeks, since you sent this letter to all your friends, to all of them, except me," He’s a painful look on his face. I’ve hurt him deeply, no doubt about that. 

"After we've closed a case, Kono asked me, if we can talk in private because it would be a matter of life and death. Grover has overheard our conversation and wondered whether Kono has always had such a penchant for theatrics. I told him I know her as a rational thinking person. I had no idea ... She and I sat together all night long. I wanted nothing more than to call you, talk to you, but Kono said that wouldn’t be a good idea because you just had another chemo and wouldn’t even take the call.”

 

 

I swallow, "Kono knows me better than I do. And yes, I would not have allowed that you would make my issues yours, as well." 

He gets a little closer, takes my hand in his, "I drove myself insane, I would've liked nothing more than quit my job and run to you, but I guess that is not what you would have had on your mind, would you?" 

I give him a lopsided grin and shake my head; then I lean against him. His heart is hammering in his chest. I close my eyes and wish this moment will last forever. He puts his arms around me, protectively. 

"I like your new hair cut. It looks great," I hear him say. My breath evens out. 

Steve buries his face in my short hair, rocks me gently. 

A thought crosses my mind, "How could I have ever doubted the way he feels about me?" 

"I want to prove you that I am a part of your life. I want to give you my heart, my unconditional love", the words flow from his mouth. "I can't stop thinking about you. You mean so much more than you ever know. Because that is the only Christmas present, I've brought with me, me and my never ending love. 

I feel his eyes on me. I lift my head to meet his gaze and immediate get lost in this ocean of blue. 

"This is so much more than I was expecting," I say before my voice trails off. I clear my throat. 

Without further ado, he lifts me up as if I had no weight and carried me into the bedroom, where he puts me down onto the bed. He looks at me like he'd found a precious treasure. 

"Is that okay for you?" he asks before he lies down next to me. 

I nod, my voice fails me. 

A little later, our clothes lie scattered on the wooden floor while our bodies are close together Steve is very gently. 

" I'm not made of porcelain," I murmur into his kiss. 

His strong hands and his mouth send me more than once to the stars and back again. Every time he catches me is there for me. He showers me with kisses. God, I love him so much, there are no words to express how much. My fingers curl into his hair, and I shudder as he takes me, gently. 

+++++ 

Steve and Kono are sitting in front of a campfire on the beach area in front of Steve's house while the sun slowly disappears behind the horizon. Both hold a small package in their hands, Danny's farewell gift. 

"Who opens it first?" Kono snivels,  wiping away the tears with the back of her hand. 

"We open it at the same time," Steve suggests with a barely audible voice. 

Curious they unwrap the gift. It's a framed picture of Steve, Danny and Kono laughing. Danny had it taken with the self-timer, at a barbecue at Steve's house. 

A letter drops into Steve's lap, "Did you ...?" he asks Kono.

"I think I already got mine, remember?" she tells him,  presses the photograph to her chest crying silently. 

With flying fingers Steve rips open the envelope. The letter smells of Danny's aftershave. 

 

_Dear Steve,_

_When you read this letter, I have already begun my journey. An adventure of the unknown because I have no clue where it will lead me._

_I know that you have forgiven me in the meantime. That you understand why I did what I did. And I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart._

_Thank you for the wonderful time we spent together. Thank you for always making me laugh and never cry. That's how you should remember me. Laughing._

_I am glad that you let me into your heart even if I was your companion only for a short time. Forgive me that I was there at the end, which has abandoned you._

_I wish I would have been able, to turn back time. I would have done things differently. In the end, we are always wiser._

_I can't tell you how much it meant to me to have you by my side until I took my last breath. Thank you for letting me go although it must have been very different for you._

_I wish you that you have a family one day, that you are happy and that you can fulfill your dreams and desires. Remember us chatting the afternoons away in a hammock on the beach while sipping one cocktail after the other._

_Live Steve, live for me._

_Eternally yours_

_Danny_

Steve stares long at the letter. Kono is sitting silently beside him. Finally, he puts a kiss on the sheet of paper in his hand. "See you on the other side. Danno."

 

 

**THE END**


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